Is it fitting to start off the new year with a look at the old? Judging from the way the past year's been, I don't have a choice.
I'm getting out of NS in a few months. Can't believe how much things have changed. Most of it had crept in slowly at first, but exploded come the second quarter. "Do you think you'll ever get back to not being cynical again?" Honestly, I know the answer is no. Not until another 2002 comes along. "Memories are wonderful things, if you don't have to deal with the past." I'd like to think there've been some unpatchable gaps in between those little packets of memories, some unsettled business. But no memory is finished until the day you die.
Things got pretty bad, between me and God, last year. Came to a point where I felt his attempts to change my heart and renew my mind were nothing but temorary emotional field trips that had already ran too deep, one too many times, into its own cycle. I only remembered crying on two occasions, the past year. One was some point of time after the seperation, the other was, well, after watching 'A Walk to Remember'. No death or tragedy or farewell (I was the only one who held them back at the village I think) could have trickled the tears out of me, especially not after that event. Sealed shut. The Passion, which I'd have to consider as one of the greatest tear-jerkers of oh-four, had little or no effect on me. If I had cried, it was because I felt I had to. I mean, I'd been a bastard if I wasn't the least moved by the re-enactment of all that torture and mortification. Ok, to be absolutely fair, I didn't even catch it in the theatre for the full cinematographic glory to get to me. On the other hand, while the extremely credible effort of realistic re-enactment of the event of his death had little impact on me, I'm very glad to have come to understand the truth and significance of his death at a much deeper level.
I want to sum up my spiritual walk for the leg of 2004. Obviously, far from smooth. However, it was a good year, in that respect. Simply because I've come to know Him so much more. Never before have I been so honest with him, by presenting all my doubts about him to him. Between the two of us (or the four of us, if you consider God as the Godhead) it was like liberation for me, having the chance to spill all the complains and grievances after all these years. Contrary to what I believed at the beginning of the year, I now know that a relationship really needs occasional fist-fighting, hair-pulling and all those epic battles to thrive and survive. Just like what someone said to me in the middle of the year, you need to hit the lows in order to climb even higher peaks.
So, the lessons I've learnt and the things to remember 2004 for.
1. What goes around comes around. Not in the karma-esque manner, but in the way that you'll never know how much you might have hurt another person until some one else deals the same blow to you.All's well ends well.
2. Something good does not justify something wrong. There's a line between good/bad and right/wrong. Like my thoery about piracy. I like. But flawed.
3. Heartache. Mellon Collie never escaped my eyes. Not since 1995.
4. The media explosion. Not explosion as in 'burst' but as in 'boom'. So many good bands and albums in one year alone. The music scene totally sucked balloons for the past few years, to prepare for this. U2, The Killers, The Vines, Yellowcard, and yes, music from the OC. And oh. I found Mandy Moore. And the comics industry, finally seeing the light. The most unforgettable movie for me? Eternal Sunshine. Not that unforgettable definitely means good. I still remember 'Dude, Where's my Car?'.
5. My reading frenzy and the little fling with words.Gaiman was a highlight, with American Gods, Stardust, and Mr Sandman himself. The birdman took half the joy of reading Vernon God Little by revealing the ending, but half was enough to do the trick. I read more books in 2004 than in the past 19 years.
6. Relationships. Love and loss, and so much more inside. Love you all.
7. This is also the year to be remembered for getting myself two handphones (I'm still not entirely comfortable with having a double dose of radiation so near my genitals), for learning ping pong, for carolling (I mean the one up there), for getting used to spouting vulgarities, for wanting to get a new comp and new gear all year long, for learning and failing to drive a car, for actual jamming sessions and for flirting with dreams.
Here is the list that no one follows to, but as the pianist suggested, the one that gives you an idea where you're headed.
1. Read the Word.
2. Worship. Not really in the how but in the desire to do it. And to do it well.
3. Give a little more love.
4. Get a gig.
5. 21km + 42km.
6. Pick up the guitar again.
7. Fill up a sketchbook.
8. Learn a foreign language.
9. Get at least 2 different colours on my hair.
10. Read more, including the news.
11. Sleep more, clear my very bad debts.
12. Travel somewhere alone.
12's not exactly my favourite number, but this will do. Joy for the new year, fella.
I'm getting out of NS in a few months. Can't believe how much things have changed. Most of it had crept in slowly at first, but exploded come the second quarter. "Do you think you'll ever get back to not being cynical again?" Honestly, I know the answer is no. Not until another 2002 comes along. "Memories are wonderful things, if you don't have to deal with the past." I'd like to think there've been some unpatchable gaps in between those little packets of memories, some unsettled business. But no memory is finished until the day you die.
Things got pretty bad, between me and God, last year. Came to a point where I felt his attempts to change my heart and renew my mind were nothing but temorary emotional field trips that had already ran too deep, one too many times, into its own cycle. I only remembered crying on two occasions, the past year. One was some point of time after the seperation, the other was, well, after watching 'A Walk to Remember'. No death or tragedy or farewell (I was the only one who held them back at the village I think) could have trickled the tears out of me, especially not after that event. Sealed shut. The Passion, which I'd have to consider as one of the greatest tear-jerkers of oh-four, had little or no effect on me. If I had cried, it was because I felt I had to. I mean, I'd been a bastard if I wasn't the least moved by the re-enactment of all that torture and mortification. Ok, to be absolutely fair, I didn't even catch it in the theatre for the full cinematographic glory to get to me. On the other hand, while the extremely credible effort of realistic re-enactment of the event of his death had little impact on me, I'm very glad to have come to understand the truth and significance of his death at a much deeper level.
I want to sum up my spiritual walk for the leg of 2004. Obviously, far from smooth. However, it was a good year, in that respect. Simply because I've come to know Him so much more. Never before have I been so honest with him, by presenting all my doubts about him to him. Between the two of us (or the four of us, if you consider God as the Godhead) it was like liberation for me, having the chance to spill all the complains and grievances after all these years. Contrary to what I believed at the beginning of the year, I now know that a relationship really needs occasional fist-fighting, hair-pulling and all those epic battles to thrive and survive. Just like what someone said to me in the middle of the year, you need to hit the lows in order to climb even higher peaks.
So, the lessons I've learnt and the things to remember 2004 for.
1. What goes around comes around. Not in the karma-esque manner, but in the way that you'll never know how much you might have hurt another person until some one else deals the same blow to you.All's well ends well.
2. Something good does not justify something wrong. There's a line between good/bad and right/wrong. Like my thoery about piracy. I like. But flawed.
3. Heartache. Mellon Collie never escaped my eyes. Not since 1995.
4. The media explosion. Not explosion as in 'burst' but as in 'boom'. So many good bands and albums in one year alone. The music scene totally sucked balloons for the past few years, to prepare for this. U2, The Killers, The Vines, Yellowcard, and yes, music from the OC. And oh. I found Mandy Moore. And the comics industry, finally seeing the light. The most unforgettable movie for me? Eternal Sunshine. Not that unforgettable definitely means good. I still remember 'Dude, Where's my Car?'.
5. My reading frenzy and the little fling with words.Gaiman was a highlight, with American Gods, Stardust, and Mr Sandman himself. The birdman took half the joy of reading Vernon God Little by revealing the ending, but half was enough to do the trick. I read more books in 2004 than in the past 19 years.
6. Relationships. Love and loss, and so much more inside. Love you all.
7. This is also the year to be remembered for getting myself two handphones (I'm still not entirely comfortable with having a double dose of radiation so near my genitals), for learning ping pong, for carolling (I mean the one up there), for getting used to spouting vulgarities, for wanting to get a new comp and new gear all year long, for learning and failing to drive a car, for actual jamming sessions and for flirting with dreams.
Here is the list that no one follows to, but as the pianist suggested, the one that gives you an idea where you're headed.
1. Read the Word.
2. Worship. Not really in the how but in the desire to do it. And to do it well.
3. Give a little more love.
4. Get a gig.
5. 21km + 42km.
6. Pick up the guitar again.
7. Fill up a sketchbook.
8. Learn a foreign language.
9. Get at least 2 different colours on my hair.
10. Read more, including the news.
11. Sleep more, clear my very bad debts.
12. Travel somewhere alone.
12's not exactly my favourite number, but this will do. Joy for the new year, fella.
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