I'm in the middle of writing my 500 word (bah, you say) essay due today, but upon following birthday boy's lead, I have no choice but to pen this down.
This may be a very long post, but I assure you that you'll understand every word.
toxicdonuts have always been my factory of undesirable savouries. I keep it as my haven, my outlet, my yellow notepad. But it is, above all, my security blanket.
There are a few reasons I write in discreet (and sometimes cryptic) ways.
1) I am talking to myself. More accurately, I am talking to myself of the future. I feel a very strong need to remind myself of lessons and failures.
2) I write for those who find entertainment in deciphering my rubbish. Get a life guys!
Forgive me if you're offended by my antics. I say offended because I know I have offended you.
My previous post was about honesty. I was listening to Jars of Clays' "Good Monsters". And it is about just that. We are good monsters, trying to do good, trying to be honest to one another. But like Paul says, what I wanna do I do not do, what I hate I do them all the time. Believe me, "Good Monsters" is a very honest album. Dan Haseltine seems like a very honest man. And it has encouraged me to be honest as well.
I figured out why I was such an introvert (those who know me for more than 5 years or so). It's not that I don't consider myself an introvert now. It's just that I try to change for the worthy causes. I always thought that my character was a problem. But the real problem was something deeper than just personality or character.
The problem is that I fear showing my monstrosity.
I believe that God created us different, He doesn't want us to be clone troopers. And I am different from you in the sense that you may be outgoing and really Casper kind of friendly and all, and I'm that kid in the corner who's thinking about stuff. This is not the problem. The problem is that I want to be in the corner, I want to be thinking about my stuff. And you've got to keep off my thinking yard. You cannot enter the toxicdonuts factory without a ticket.
I am always amazed, and troubled, by one thing. I kind of gave a mini-sermon (drats) in youth group like when I was in secondary school or something. It was about 1 John 1:5 - 2:14. I have no idea why, my then-pastor just gave me this passage to talk about. In short, the passage is about (universal themes of) light and darkness. That if we claim to walk with God, then it is impossible to remain treading in darkness, because he is Light. And that also means that fellow pals who call themselves Christians are all walking along this lighted path. There is nothing to hide between them. This passage has been bugging me for the past 5 years.
I told you I believe strongly in talking to myself of the future.
To all you people who think yourself introverts, who think that there is some strange mysterious coolness that comes with being dark and goth and all that black, it might be the one trap that brings you down.
Someone told me he always thought of me as grey, neither white nor black. I'm not grey. I'm black. I'm scared to death of being transparent. I'm afraid that if you see me, if you see my monstrosity and my weaknesses and my flaws, you might not love me anymore. That is true. But if I don't let you see me through, I'm not giving you a chance to love the real me at all. Hate me for all you want, but make sure you hate the real me.
That is why I say I have offended you. I know it hurts to want to reach someone and be denied. I apologise if I have hurt you in any way.
I told a few people recently, that I aim to be the same person no matter who I'm with, no matter what circle I'm in. And that person to be is the person I am when I'm before God. Because that's when I'm the most honest. There's nothing to hide from him. (Oh by the way, I learnt that from Jonathan Foreman. Hmm. Seems like I've been taking much theology from rock stars.)
I kind of lost track of that aim recently. It's easy to make up excuses for not talking to people, for not making honest conversations. It's the responsibilities. It's the new programmes. It's the leadership. It's all bull. I just haven't been trying hard enough. Because I'm afraid of transparency.
There's a reason why I paste my X-ray on my window. I want to remind myself that it's my inside that matters. And I want the sunlight to shine through it.
A final note. After Saturday, I've been questioning my changed life as a follower of Christ. It's not that I've never experienced a changed life. He's changed it. But I think it's sanctification. I need to keep getting refined, because my allegience is still to this world. There is much to be done. And since Saturday, I know there is a particular something I need to change at this point in my life. And this is it.
So. One step closer towards walking in the light. Friends, this is what I mean when I say that I can't deny God because he's so real to me. How else can I see my monstrosity, if I did not have his light as that 3M polarizing lamp? Who else will tell me the truth?
Thank you if you have written hope into my life. I hope to write some hope too. We need more hope around.
Oh perhaps one more reason for writing in weird ways is that it makes my posts so much shorter.
Back to writing my essay.
This may be a very long post, but I assure you that you'll understand every word.
toxicdonuts have always been my factory of undesirable savouries. I keep it as my haven, my outlet, my yellow notepad. But it is, above all, my security blanket.
There are a few reasons I write in discreet (and sometimes cryptic) ways.
1) I am talking to myself. More accurately, I am talking to myself of the future. I feel a very strong need to remind myself of lessons and failures.
2) I write for those who find entertainment in deciphering my rubbish. Get a life guys!
Forgive me if you're offended by my antics. I say offended because I know I have offended you.
My previous post was about honesty. I was listening to Jars of Clays' "Good Monsters". And it is about just that. We are good monsters, trying to do good, trying to be honest to one another. But like Paul says, what I wanna do I do not do, what I hate I do them all the time. Believe me, "Good Monsters" is a very honest album. Dan Haseltine seems like a very honest man. And it has encouraged me to be honest as well.
I figured out why I was such an introvert (those who know me for more than 5 years or so). It's not that I don't consider myself an introvert now. It's just that I try to change for the worthy causes. I always thought that my character was a problem. But the real problem was something deeper than just personality or character.
The problem is that I fear showing my monstrosity.
I believe that God created us different, He doesn't want us to be clone troopers. And I am different from you in the sense that you may be outgoing and really Casper kind of friendly and all, and I'm that kid in the corner who's thinking about stuff. This is not the problem. The problem is that I want to be in the corner, I want to be thinking about my stuff. And you've got to keep off my thinking yard. You cannot enter the toxicdonuts factory without a ticket.
I am always amazed, and troubled, by one thing. I kind of gave a mini-sermon (drats) in youth group like when I was in secondary school or something. It was about 1 John 1:5 - 2:14. I have no idea why, my then-pastor just gave me this passage to talk about. In short, the passage is about (universal themes of) light and darkness. That if we claim to walk with God, then it is impossible to remain treading in darkness, because he is Light. And that also means that fellow pals who call themselves Christians are all walking along this lighted path. There is nothing to hide between them. This passage has been bugging me for the past 5 years.
I told you I believe strongly in talking to myself of the future.
To all you people who think yourself introverts, who think that there is some strange mysterious coolness that comes with being dark and goth and all that black, it might be the one trap that brings you down.
Someone told me he always thought of me as grey, neither white nor black. I'm not grey. I'm black. I'm scared to death of being transparent. I'm afraid that if you see me, if you see my monstrosity and my weaknesses and my flaws, you might not love me anymore. That is true. But if I don't let you see me through, I'm not giving you a chance to love the real me at all. Hate me for all you want, but make sure you hate the real me.
That is why I say I have offended you. I know it hurts to want to reach someone and be denied. I apologise if I have hurt you in any way.
I told a few people recently, that I aim to be the same person no matter who I'm with, no matter what circle I'm in. And that person to be is the person I am when I'm before God. Because that's when I'm the most honest. There's nothing to hide from him. (Oh by the way, I learnt that from Jonathan Foreman. Hmm. Seems like I've been taking much theology from rock stars.)
I kind of lost track of that aim recently. It's easy to make up excuses for not talking to people, for not making honest conversations. It's the responsibilities. It's the new programmes. It's the leadership. It's all bull. I just haven't been trying hard enough. Because I'm afraid of transparency.
There's a reason why I paste my X-ray on my window. I want to remind myself that it's my inside that matters. And I want the sunlight to shine through it.
A final note. After Saturday, I've been questioning my changed life as a follower of Christ. It's not that I've never experienced a changed life. He's changed it. But I think it's sanctification. I need to keep getting refined, because my allegience is still to this world. There is much to be done. And since Saturday, I know there is a particular something I need to change at this point in my life. And this is it.
So. One step closer towards walking in the light. Friends, this is what I mean when I say that I can't deny God because he's so real to me. How else can I see my monstrosity, if I did not have his light as that 3M polarizing lamp? Who else will tell me the truth?
Thank you if you have written hope into my life. I hope to write some hope too. We need more hope around.
Oh perhaps one more reason for writing in weird ways is that it makes my posts so much shorter.
Back to writing my essay.
and thank you. for that.
hey bro.
didn't know i kinda opened another can.. but anyway, thanks for what you've said. i felt sad. a bit of me was crying inside. i felt the same as what you've said. the transparency and monstrosity. that's what's been missing. in me. too.. i think i now understand why i'm been deemed as this freak. i'm like another monster, and have resorted into slowly shutting up too. not talking anymore. that's wrong..
i hope you can help me and we can help each other. hope you weren't offended with my few lines then. it didn't mean anything. but yea. i've written chim short posts before, i've been the boy in the corner before, i've been thinking, before.. so thanks for your honesty, help me bring me back to His majesty, bro. =)