And it was done. Is this the finality in itself? How can i reconcile with it all? "When the pursuit of one true love in which to fall was the be all and end all" I'm starting to understand what that means. This is only the third time, i told sm, that i felt the darkness over me. Everytime it came, some part in me died. I stand in anticipation for the realisation of my next death. (Anyway, sm, i'm in your office now, without your boss around of course.) I was afraid that this would be a cycle of pain and madness. I'm proven wrong. There would be no such cycle, to my relief. But the anguish in it all would be a death that would ultimately bring an end to the dying. It was true. Everyone dies.
(Ok all this figurative shit is making me sound suicidal. Before anyone picks up the phone to dial my number, be assured that i'm totally fine. On the brink of sanity, but well, still not coping out. By the way, if anyone decides to call me to make sure i'm not jumping off the 4th floor, please call my free incoming line. Thanks, my bills have a greater potential of driving me towards suicide.)
Was i too late? I don't think so. It's not totally an issue of time, for time waits for no one. When you said that something in you just disappeared, i knew that things were treading upon the inevitable. Perhaps that something in me disappeared too. But my inevitable was in the rebirth of a passion and the moulding of a realisation. I was played out. By my feelings, by my mind. But most of all, by a chain of events that never managed to find reconciliation with the elusive concept of fate itself.
Was i not good enough? Definitely. Not that i'm thinking i'm not good enough for you, but i'm very dissappointed that i'm not good enough to keep to the promise i made to God. He fulfilled his part in my pact with him. He's been faithful to the end, and very much faithful to have seen the relationship come to its end. Someday i might just find enough courage to thank him for this. Oh and he promised things ahead wouldn't be any easier for me. Well, thanks for making it so obvious eh. Sucks to be me...
Was i wrong? I'd be damned if i wasn't. I know apologies don't work, most are useless anyway. But i feel that no sincere apology should be left unsaid. I can only pray that you'd hear me whisper sorry into your ear right now. I never fully understood the extent of my self-centredness till today (thanks, sm). Perhaps i've been lying to myself, for i've probably held on to a false conception of sacrificial love all this while. Guess i'd just exercise what i've learnt now. And i hope i'll arrive on mainland one day.
Am i hungry and tired having worked non-stop for 12 hours? I definitely think so. Sm, you'd better lock up the office now...
There're some things that you'll never be sure of. But for everything else, there's always...
(Ok all this figurative shit is making me sound suicidal. Before anyone picks up the phone to dial my number, be assured that i'm totally fine. On the brink of sanity, but well, still not coping out. By the way, if anyone decides to call me to make sure i'm not jumping off the 4th floor, please call my free incoming line. Thanks, my bills have a greater potential of driving me towards suicide.)
Was i too late? I don't think so. It's not totally an issue of time, for time waits for no one. When you said that something in you just disappeared, i knew that things were treading upon the inevitable. Perhaps that something in me disappeared too. But my inevitable was in the rebirth of a passion and the moulding of a realisation. I was played out. By my feelings, by my mind. But most of all, by a chain of events that never managed to find reconciliation with the elusive concept of fate itself.
Was i not good enough? Definitely. Not that i'm thinking i'm not good enough for you, but i'm very dissappointed that i'm not good enough to keep to the promise i made to God. He fulfilled his part in my pact with him. He's been faithful to the end, and very much faithful to have seen the relationship come to its end. Someday i might just find enough courage to thank him for this. Oh and he promised things ahead wouldn't be any easier for me. Well, thanks for making it so obvious eh. Sucks to be me...
Was i wrong? I'd be damned if i wasn't. I know apologies don't work, most are useless anyway. But i feel that no sincere apology should be left unsaid. I can only pray that you'd hear me whisper sorry into your ear right now. I never fully understood the extent of my self-centredness till today (thanks, sm). Perhaps i've been lying to myself, for i've probably held on to a false conception of sacrificial love all this while. Guess i'd just exercise what i've learnt now. And i hope i'll arrive on mainland one day.
Am i hungry and tired having worked non-stop for 12 hours? I definitely think so. Sm, you'd better lock up the office now...
There're some things that you'll never be sure of. But for everything else, there's always...
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