Just peeked into my favourite little yellow book. Glanced back at myself a year ago. When the words lead, excel and overcome meant a whole lot to me. When every struggle is one with a victory waiting at the other end. When all i wanted is a cup of grace. When i recognised the ordained relationship. When i felt myself turning into the two-faced man i am today, just as james had warned me against. When every spark was able to ignite the passion. When i was not satisfied with just getting through life. When every word blossomed into a meaningful expression of love. When i actually dared to move. When i failed to step off the floor. When the dry bones around me actually prompted a response in me. When the dry bones crumbled in front of my eyes, together with me. When the world fell apart while i was too busy lamenting my own plight. When i fell apart without realising the enemy slipping in. When love was more than just an overture, when it burst into a chorus. When hope was a fire for the journey. When it was not too difficult to believe. When blue was still my favourite colour. When i became contented with drifting around the difficult corners. When i longed for the weekends. When i kept my mouth shut. When the finishing line brought a smile to my face. When finishing last wiped that smirk off my face. When defeat smells of a familiar stench. When i laid down beside the carcasses. When i loved life. When i kissed her goodnight. When i enjoyed seeing others worse than me. When time was on my side. When i could never find the perfect peace. When i still wrote in my journal. When i kept quiet at the sight of injustice. When i kept quiet to my own injustice. When nothing is different. When i am robbed of the ability to think. When i had 4 hours of sleep a day. When i went round the carousel. When i loved visiting the beach. When friends didn't matter. When i ran to him. When i didn't see him run to me. When i didn't need an obsession. When i couldn't find an obsession when i needed one. When one person can mean everything to me. When mission comes before man. When the mission comes before the man. When plans remained just as they were. When i didn't know when. When there were no mosquitoes biting me at night. When my bed didn't give me back aches. When the cookies and cream milkshake was the best i ever had. When i couldn't shed a tear when people died. When i never doubted that i doubt. When i didn't have to make that choice. When forever seems too far away. When i only owned one handphone. When i found pride in surviving. When i rejected everyone else's prompting. When i was rejected everyday. When everything seems surreal. When ten months were wasted away. When i felt jilted and betrayed. When i knew it was ok to cry. When i wanted to cry but couldn't. When i finally cried. When i finally knew. When i finally experienced. When i finally broke free. When i stepped into the valley. When i pressed on. When i overcame. When i finally loved. When i finally found hope. When i cried out to someone who heard me. When i still don't understand exactly what's going on. When i realised that i don't need to understand. When i realised a relationship is all about response. When my response would mean more than any other thing. When everything's clear again. When i know what i have to do. When i enjoy doing what i do. When time is not on your side. When i just realised that my 80GB has finally crashed on me. When i want to learn how to knit. When i want to believe. When i want to step out. When i understand the ups and downs. When i appreciate the downs so much more.
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